transparency...

As thankful as I am for every day of my life and all that fills those days, I'm glad to see stardate November 2009 behind me. Even with a week break from school, it was way more than this ol' gal likes to put on her plate. From a "situation" (I hate that word as in 'Captain, we have a situation here' - well, duh, isn't everything a situation? But I can't think of another word to describe this) with my daughter, thankfully resolved but momheart clenching while it was going on; to a squabble with my husband that resulted in us circling for a week with the hair on both our necks all ruffed up, and us growling at each other under our breath...silly, aren't we? lol; to a 3 day trip with 11 youth (thank you God for my adult peeps to keep me sane, HAHA); to an emotional rollercoaster that I put my own mind on, that still hasn't completely stopped; it's just been a heckuva month. I say WHEW gladly, that today's December first.

When my heart and mind are tired and I just get numb, that's when I see that I'm pretty much stripped of every defense, every covering that I can come up with for protection. I kind of get shivery then.

But look what happens when I'm down to transparency...that's when the Son shines through me brightest. :)

Even when he shines right through me because my strength weakens and fades, still Jesus warms me and sets me back on my feet, and my face can look forward again. He makes me glow. He causes me to bloom even when the storms hit and the rain is cold. I love me some Jesus.

Thursdays...

Most of the time, Thursdays just rock the casbah. Wednesday busyness is over, weekend nonstop hasn't started yet.

I love Thursdays.

Tonight I'm making lasagna because someone I care about asked for it for his family. :) That makes me happy. And my family is happy too, that I'm making it. So it looks like a salad for me for lunch today, so I can have some myself, guilt free.

And it'll be a chance to get a little bit caught up on some laundry, and clean up my kitchen.

Just being home, doing these domestic things, is healing to my soul.

And I have a date with Jesus. I'm going to pick up a Bible study book that I started, long time ago, and didn't get very far into before I neglected it. I'm excited to start over, and plan to stay committed this time. Anybody wanna join me? :)

Maybe I'll get to blog a bit as well.

Have a blessed Thursday, on this ohsoblessed Thursday. XO

re-establishing contact...

Dear Jesus,
It's me, Sis. Not that you didn't already know that, but maybe I needed to establish it for myself. It's me, Sis, the goodintentioned, bad followthrough daughter.

I've been meaning to sit down and talk to you for a while now. A long while. But just like calling a friend, or writing a letter, somehow, that talking thing gets pushed to the back burner. Because of busy. Busy for you. But not busy with you.

I've been really tired lately, for like the past year and a half or so. I feel like growth has stopped and robotics have taken it's place. And it's exhausting running all that mechanical stuff, especially without looking to the source of refueling like I so desperately need to do.

I don't think I've written anything important or outpouring or even deepthinking for a long time. I really miss that. I miss you. And you haven't even gone anywhere. It's like I'm running away, but I'm not really wanting it to be that way. I don't even know what I'm running from. Maybe I'm not really running, but looking...it's like I've looked for 'be still' just about everywhere except at your feet, where it's the stillest.

I've talked about you, loved you to others, told about your grace and your mercy, and all of it is true and straight from my heart to my mouth/fingers out into the air/cyberspace and into their ears/eyes, hopefully down into their hearts. I believe and mean every word I say, with all my heart. And the love I try to pour out on them is the love from you, every bit of it, because I'm not able to love like that on my own. If it was up to me, I'd probably hate instead, but you replace that hate with the purest love ever.

Yet still, I don't be still.

Today, preparing for your supper, the introspective Sis looked deep into me, and saw the empty space there, shaped just like you. I didn't realize it's so big. But I should've known, because YOU are so big.

If I stop running, and be still, will you fill it up?

need...

And speaking of music, Jack brought me a present the other day - the new Todd Agnew cd. And I am shamelessly plugging it here.

Todd's my favorite Christian artist. EVER. Love just about everything about his music. He can reach in and grab feelings inside me that I didn't even realize were there. He can describe exactly the conflict inside, and just how I'm feeling about God, without me even knowing that I was unable to articulate it all. God's gifted him greatly, and I am grateful to God and Todd (rhyme, LOL) for sharing the well...

Anyway - here are my 3 favs, with the most awesome one being the last one. Just previews, but well worth the taste. If you are in any wayshapeform a TA fan, it'll make you hunger for more.

The "help me live, God" one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRlTBs8AIis

The "explode through the roof worship" one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG525F-Yq3M

The "God's grace and me undeserving" one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRDqpqeILII

soothing the savage beast?...

Doesn't work that way for me.

It's really a strange thing about me, and around here, I don't know anybody with quite the same outlook on music that I have.

I am really into music that stirs something deep within me. Whether it drives me to my knees, or makes me want to fly, for me to really love music, it has to be powerful. Otherwise, it's just happy noise. And I like that too, my playlist is full of happy praise that I like to listen to. But most of the time, I prefer silence. Or being alone, with the powerful stuff.

Sometimes I wonder about myself, and the music that stirs me. Sometimes it's full of pain - how can one who claims God as the source of peace be so emotionally punched by something so full of hurt? Maybe God is using it to remind me where I come from, where I too often slip back to, and where so many people still are...

Sometimes it's my own pain, and the sweet knowledge that I'm not ever truly alone in it...

Sometimes it's the overwhelming awareness of God's grace and my total lack of deserving...

Sometimes it's the crushing weight of helplessness that burdens me as I think of hopelessness around me...

Sometimes it's the breathtaking joy of the glory of the Savior that makes me want to explode through the roof.

Intensely private. Personal. I never listen to this kind of music with anyone else around. It's always just me - me and God.

I really love that I can truly be myself then.

What's this life for?

I don't know where I was and how I missed Creed...

But I tell you this - I don't understand this song that much, yet it has the power to bring me to tears, and to my knees - every time.

I think of the hopeless, and of hope. I think of how many people there are in this world who hurt. And most of all, I think of my friend.

trying again...

I forgot about this one til someone reminded me. LOL

Starting over - just for fun...
http://rainlily.wordpress.com/

Interview With An Atheist

If you can watch this as a Christian without feeling any shame, you're doing it right.

joy unexpected...

Yesterday, I was driving home at about dusk - the point in time where it's still light outside, but shadows are extra shadowy, blacks are extra black, and your eyes mostly just want to look at the last of the fading sunset. My mind was empty, for once; a rarity for me, I wasn't thinking of anything, just driving.

Something caught my eye out my window, to the left. I turned to look, and there behind a fence, only about 20 feet away, was this huge brindle mama cow, and her little baby. And they were playing. Baby was jumping forward, and mama was jumping to the side and kicking her heels a bit.

Surprised and delighted, I laughed out loud, as they disappeared behind me. And then, amazingly, my heart was just stabbed with the sharp pain of joy, and I spent the next mile wiping tears out of my eyes, and smiling.

It's been a while since I felt such pure joy over something so simple. A long while. It felt so good.

Maybe I'm gonna get there after all, and with a smile on my face to boot. :)

not another blog! Oh yeah...

I'm ready for a change, people. I've gotta do something. I'm in a slump, burned out, just plain tired. I'm ready to get some of me back. And some new me to go with it.

I've started a blog, to journal it all. Here's the link, if you're interested. I ask that you participate with me. Who knows, maybe we'll start a group blog from this. :) I'd like that.

At the least, give me some feedback when you can. And ask for some from me, if you need it.

This blog will still be my goto place for pouring out my heart to God, or for rejoicing, laughing, celebrating - even for posting links to the photoblog and the cooking blog. But the new one, it's meant to kick my butt into shape. Some days, it won't be pretty.

I'm ready.

recommendation? yes indeedy...

Sometimes I fail to recommend a blog or a site because I'm not certain of my feelings toward it. Not regarding cooking, or photography, or even just fun stuff. Those pop out of my fingers without second thought.

But something a little more, how do I say, 'hard hitting' - especially when it comes to God or to politics - I just usually avoid saying much about them, for my own reasons.

But this one - I have searched every post for something that raises a warning, causes the backofmyneck hair to stand up, makes me confused - and I have yet to find anything that sends up a red flag. The author, Rob Harrison, writes thoughtfully and yes, conservatively, like my own leanings, but with compassion and fairness. Most of all, through everything I read, the love and grace of Christ is prevalent. What more could I ask for?

So - yes, it's a conservative Christian blog. Yes, there will be writings the left doesn't agree with. If those are things you don't want to read, avoid this link at all costs.

But if you want to read blogposts that inspire thoughtful considerations of the Christian walk (most being of the self-examining kind), of Jesus, of the Bible, of other Christian writings, of politics, then I have no hesitation in recommending this one: The Spyglass. It's my favorite new blog to read, and is on my followlist.

fine dining...

For the 2nd time in a 2 week period, I was told something I made tasted like it should be found in a restaurant. First was the cheesecake I took to work (thanks for posting the fantastic recipe, Elissa!); one of my workmates said it should be on a dessert menu of a fine restaurant; and now...

Well, just click on Morton, and find out what my daughter thinks should be on that menu.

;)

college bound...

Her first day! EEK! Where did the time go?

Here's the funny thing...I called the boys, called her, we were all standing there together and the intent of my heart was to pray for her, for safety, for learning, for success, for blessings...she said to me "I'm surprised you don't have your camera." Yikes! Stop the presses! I ran inside and got it, and took such a sweet photo, it's my favorite (of the moment, lol)...

Then last night, I said "Stevie. Did I pray for you this morning?" She looked at me and said "What are you talking about?"

After I burst out laughing at how ditzydistracted I was (I mean, it's not EVERY day that's a college firstday for your babygirl, right?), and explained it to her, I said that at least God knew what was in my heart for her because I sure didn't have sense enough to get it out of my mouth!

Sheesh...lol.

I'm so blessed by my girl. I love her so much. :)

thank you, friend...

My friend Brian and his wife Theresa go to Austria every year. She plays oboe in an annual symphony there, and they get to travel around to different places and see Europe. I think that's just awesome.

And this year, Brian brought a present back from Austria for me. He knows me pretty dang well, LOL - it was a perfect gift. Literally 'was' - the kids were lucky to each get 1 square. heh.

What's even more awesome is that this year, we've become better friends and have seen a couple of movies together, and had lunch - Theresa likes pho bo, just like me, at the VN restaurant. Good taste. :)

And good chocolate. You can't beat that. :)

yum...

Check it out. Then make it.

Chocolate Marble Cheesecake with Coconut, Lemongrass, and Kaffir Lime